


Too late

by nerdyostrich



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, References to self-harm, So much angst, it wasn't meant to be painful, remeniscing, this was just a random idea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-07
Updated: 2013-01-07
Packaged: 2017-11-24 02:04:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/629106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdyostrich/pseuds/nerdyostrich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has many wishes, but despite what he wants, one fact is clear. It has always been too late for them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too late

**Author's Note:**

> This is really short. Like, REALLY short. It wasn't meant to be this angsty (who am I even kidding), but hey, this is what happened.
> 
> Someone please make me focus on my Doctor Who!AU, because I am not procrastinating writing by writing. I need help.

Castiel doesn't know how they ended up here. Well, he does know the events that led up to this one, but he wishes this didn't had to happen, that circumstances were different. He has said that before, hasn't he? When Dean was asking for his help and Castiel replied that he wished circumstances were different. He still does.

He wishes that they weren't angel and hunter. He wishes that they had met at work, or at a bar, both very much human and happy. Happy, is something that he and the Winchesters are far too seldom, even he can see that. But Castiel does not deserve happiness. The Winchesters do.

Castiel wishes that he and Dean could have been friends at first and then slowly fallen in love, a flicker turning into flame. There are flames now too, but they are all-consuming, tearing everything apart. They have been here before, but then Dean ran and both were alive. Alive, but not living. After all, they had just been ripped away from their best friend. Castiel had been ripped away from the man he loved and feel for. Dean had been ripped away from the angel who had always watched over him and whom he loved, but didn't know it.

Castiel wishes that they could love each other, wake up with each other and grow old with each other. Dean will grow old with Castiel, but Castiel will never grow old with Dean. When Dean dies, Castiel will grow to resent humanity for not being Dean. Eventually he will begin to resent Dean for making him feel so much pain, but then Castiel will cut into his own flesh because he must never hate Dean. At least, that would happen if it weren't for the fact that one of them will not walk out of this alive. Oh, how Castiel wishes that this was not happening, that they could stop this. But it's too late now. Perhaps it has always been too late for them.

Castiel wishes that Dean would hate him. If Dean hated Castiel, then none of this would have happened, because Castiel would be dead since long before. Sometimes Castiel wishes for death, for oblivion, but then he remembers that he must live. For Dean. He has gazed into the future and knows what would happen if Castiel died, once and for all this time. He tries to forget, most of the time. So instead, he wishes for Dean to hate him. Because it's okay if Dean hates him, as long as Dean is safe.

Castiel wishes many things as he stands in the ring of holy fire, angel blade gripped tightly in his hand. Dean is standing outside of the ring, regarding Castiel with hard eyes. If he looks hard enough, Castiel can see the pain, guilt and regret in Dean's eyes, but he doesn't look that hard. He doesn't want to see. How did they come to this, facing each other in the barn in Pontiac where it all started so many years ago? Castiel remembers and he wants to forget. Instead he remembers how it started, in the barn. He remembers flashing lights exploding around him, useless sigils on the walls as he strode into Dean's life. He remembers looking upon Dean and seeing the soul of the Righteous Man. Now, he doesn't see the Righteous Man anymore. Now he sees Dean, whole and completely himself. It's a beautiful sight, nothing like what would happen in 2014 in another timeline. There was nothing left of either of them in that timeline, but still they clung to each other in a twisted, poisonous embrace. Even when there was nothing left of either of them, Castiel followed Dean into the very end. He knows he always will.

"It didn't have to come to this." Dean says, voice loud and clear in the barn.

"Yes, it did. It always came down to this." Castiel replies, not crying yet because this is not a moment to cry. This is a moment to be strong and make Dean do what always had to happen. It was always too late for them. In every possible universe and timeline, it was always too late. Castiel doesn't say this, of course.

"You could have tried harder! Dammit Cas, we could have lived through this!" Dean yells. Castiel can see the hard gaze in his eyes loosening.

"It was never about surviving, Dean." Castiel says softly, because it's true, "It was always too late for us."

Dean looks at him with wide eyes, shocked at his words. Castiel is still not crying, not yet, not yet. They look at each other once more, remembering what they used to share together. They look at each other and see what they used to be, instead of what they are.

Only one of them will walk out of this alive. Castiel knows who it will be.


End file.
